The Ugly Cry.

Have you ever had one of those days where you cry while putting away laundry and you have no idea why?

In the last year I've had a few of those. I had one again last night over and event I didn't even think was a big deal-- and, quite frankly, isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

But there I was sorting laundry into piles on my bed, Gilmore Girls playing in the background, tears streaming down my face, and legit ugly crying because in my head I went back to a place I swore to myself I would never go again.

A moment of honesty here: as much as I say I don't care about what people think, I really really do care. Sometimes I care to the point of crippling anxiety about how my actions will be seen (although, I haven't had this type of crippling anxiety about that in quite some time). When I was younger that process of thought led me into some really unhealthy relationships that left me feeling pretty worthless and shameful. It's not something that I'm proud of, but it is a part of who I am and God uses that dark part of my life to show me His love and goodness.

There are times when I look at my brokenness and see God's goodness, but then Satan will rear his ugly head. He reminds me of the very largely negative aspects of that brokenness and feeds those lies to me that I believed when my life was in complete dysfunction:

You only matter when you perform well.

People only tolerate you.

You'll never be good enough.

YOU are not enough.

Events from the ministry I was involved in previously have left me with (newly) diagnosed PTSD (more on that way, way later), so add that to my very real brokenness being excruciatingly evident in this moment and cue the ugly crying.

And in that exact moment, I knew exactly why I was feeling the way I was. One single social media reply left me feeling completely isolated and as though I wasn't enough. I sobbed for (at least) a good hour.

No one wants to feel unwanted. No one wants to feel alone. Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted, and when that doesn't happen the pain is real. It is real, but it doesn't define. Am I still upset? Yes, because those emotions are real. But emotions don't define. Jesus defines. The brokenness doesn't define. Jesus defines. The ways people view me and the negative ways I may be drawn to viewing myself in don't define me. Jesus does.

As I was processing, I turned off Gilmore Girls and put my playlist of worship music on shuffle. A song came on that is really popular right now that isn't my favorite (and you can throw rocks or tomatoes at my over it later if you want) and for once I quieted myself enough to actually listen to the words. There is a line in one of the verses that states: "When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me."

Whether I feel like my worth is shown by other people, Jesus places worth on me. That's what matters. That's what I always need to remind myself when I feel differently. Maybe you need that reminder, too.

You have value. You are enough. You are wanted- not because people always treat you like those things are true, but because Jesus tells us that continually.